The Trap Of Calling Yourself A Conscious Leader
Why Conscious Leadership isn’t a label, it’s a practice
Dispatches From the Quiet Rebellion.
Notes from the field. Reflections for Rebels navigating change with clarity, courage, and consciousness. These essays go beyond tips or tactics. They track what I’m noticing in myself, in my coaching work, and in the cultural moment we’re all moving through. Want to read more Dispatches? You can find the full series here: https://coachwithnicholas.substack.com/t/dispatches.
I once had a conversation with a founder that left me with a familiar ache. The kind that lingers in your chest long after the words have ended. For me, it's the ache of seeing a leader’s potential, while also seeing the gaps they can’t yet see themselves.
It’s knowing how hard that journey is likely going to be for them, and for those they try to manage.
It was with someone who called themselves a "conscious leader."
They were building a startup. On the surface, things looked promising. But beneath the shiny exterior? High turnover. Constant churn. Disengaged employees. One colleague even called them toxic. They couldn’t get people to show up or follow through.
They asked me for help.
So I did what I do. I listened deeply.
I gave them several hours of my time and attention, attuning to what was said and what wasn’t. And the longer we talked, the more red flags appeared.
“I’m not their therapist.”
“I don’t want to babysit my employees.”
“I just want people who will work.”
”I don’t want to have to tell people what I need from them, I want them to be able to just do the job.”
They listed their IQ, test scores, and ability to pitch and raise capital. Somehow all of this came up in a conversation that was supposed to be about exploring how I might support their business. I wondered quietly if they pitching me on working with them, or trying to convince themselves of something?
They talked a good talk. They had fire and vision. But when it came to the human part? The relational piece? The deep work of actual leadership? They were flailing, and people could feel it. I could feel it in the way they communicated about the business.
They also weren’t open to exploring this area of leadership. They had decided that they weren’t investing in coaching, and was tired of everyone wanting to “help” but not do any of the work.
They couldn’t see that this was the work. That this was the growth edge. The quality of their experience with employees, co-founders and advisors was a reflection of a gap of self awareness.
Just because you can talk about an idea, doesn’t mean you can lead a team. Just because you’ve mastered pitching investors, doesn’t mean you’ve built the capacity to manage relational complexity. Particularly in a hyper growth company.
You get out of your company and team exactly what you put into it.
If you're all just love and light, or ORKs and projections, top down leadership and power dynamics, you're missing all the rest of what it means to lead consciously.
Conscious leadership isn’t about how persuasive you are in the boardroom or the pitch meeting with VC’s or clients. It’s about how accountable, connected, and consistent you are when things get hard.
This person wasn’t managing a business. They were managing an idea of themselves, and the cost of that approach was showing up in their relationships.
The biggest red flag of all? They insisted (twice, with emphasis) that they were a “conscious leader.” As if saying it out loud would make it true.
After our conversation, I followed up with gratitude and openness. Thanking them for their time, naming that while we didn’t land on anything concrete as a path forward together, I was still in their corner and open to staying in connection.
Then... silence.
No reply.
No acknowledgment.
Nothing.
A week passed.
I removed our recurring sync from the calendar, which prompted them to finally reach out to ask what was up. I explained to them that I was disappointed that I hadn’t heard back from them, and that it felt disrespectful given the investment in time.
Their reply further reinforced my decision.
Here’s what I’ve seen, again and again, in situations like this:
When a leader is struggling to relate to their team, it almost always points to something deeper within themselves. Most often, they’re struggling to relate to themselves as a whole person, and often feel like an imposter as a leader. Because they are pretending.
And that internal disconnect? It doesn’t stay contained. It ripples outward.
Into how they lead. Into how they partner. Into how they communicate. Into how they disconnect. Because the way you lead is the way you relate, and the way you relate is shaped by how you’ve come to see leadership as a practice, or a position, or a title.
It’s directly tied to how much of the work you’ve actually integrated, and how much self-awareness you’ve cultivated. Or haven’t. If there are parts of yourself that you are betraying, or exiling, there will be areas of your leadership that suffer too.
You can do all the leadership trainings, read all the books, go on all the retreats and plant medicine journeys... but if you’re not practicing it, living it, integrating it, then you’re just performing leadership. You’re not embodying it… and that’s not conscious leadership at all.
This is one of the core principles we return to again and again at Changing Work. It shows up in the books we publish, how we coach, and how we support leaders to find courage through change.
We help them ask the right questions, surround themselves with the right support, and practice (not just preach) the practices of conscious leadership.
Leadership (real leadership) isn’t about how you show up when things are easy and light. It’s about how you respond when the things get uncomfortable.
Leadership is rarely just light and joyful. It’s relational. It’s complicated. It’s messy. It’s human. It’s full spectrum relating, and it starts from the inside out.
There is a somatic difference between someone who is connected, integrated, and doing their work as a leader…and someone who is just fluent in the language of consciousness, but out of sync with the deeper practice of it.
I can feel the difference. I believe most people can, even if they don’t have the language to name it. You can feel it in your gut.
The funny thing is, that you will also attract employees and partners who reflect back to you exactly what you can’t yet see in yourself. Your teachers will show up exactly when you need them most, but they will likely show up as “difficult” people, or employees who annoy you, or partners and advisors that keep pointing you towards the dark areas of the forest that you want to ignore - or think you can put off until after the Series A.
This is a signal, and it points back to the work that still needs to be done.
I often ask: Where else does this show up in your life?
As for me?
I don’t call myself a conscious leader.
Conscious-curious is more accurate. I try my best though.
I’m not a guru at the podium, or a sage on a stage. I’m a student on the path, right here alongside you.
I know I have blind spots. I know I still have work to do, and I stay in relationship with people who help me see what I can’t, so that I can continue to do that work. People who hold me to account…not just for how I show up when things are flowing, but for how I respond when I mess up, fall short, or need to repair. People who will call me in on my bullshit, and help me grow.
One of my core values is simple in name, if not in practice: “do no harm”.
I know it’s a core value because I’ve done the work to name it, claim it, and have built my life around it. It’s the basis of how I try to lead, love and relate to those around me.
You can find your values too using my Quiet Rebellion Field Manual on Values.
It doesn’t mean I always succeed. But it does mean I take responsibility when I fall short or hurt someone’s feelings. I surround myself with people who expect that of me, too. Even when it’s uncomfortable.
Especially when it’s uncomfortable.
Because that’s the practice of conscious leadership.
That’s the kind of leadership I trust. The kind I try to practice, and the kind I believe the world needs more of right now.
So here’s the invitation:
Where in your life are you being called to lead with more honesty, humility, and relational integrity?
What parts of yourself are you betraying or exiling, and how might that be showing up in your relationships with others at work or beyond?
This work is not for everyone. But if you’re ready to challenge your assumptions about leadership and cultivate self-awareness, compassion, and non-transactional relationships in the workplace, then we have support and community for you.
This is the heart of the Quiet Rebellion, and of Changing Work:
Unlearning performance-based leadership, and reclaiming something more honest, more human, and more sustainable. Not just for you, but for the world.
If you’re craving support in navigating that edge…especially when it gets uncomfortable… I’d love to help you along your path.
Be rebellious.
In solidarity ✊
Nicholas Whitaker
Conscious Leadership and Human BE-Ing Coach
nicholaswhitaker.com
Co-founder @ Changing Work
Follow me on LinkedIn and Substack Notes.
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