I Was Called “A Blessing to the Team.”
Less Than a Year Later, I Had a Mental Health Crisis and Got Laid Off.
Dispatches From the Quiet Rebellion.
Notes from the field. Reflections for Rebels navigating change with clarity, courage, and consciousness. These essays go beyond tips or tactics. They track what I’m noticing in myself, in my coaching work, and in the cultural moment we’re all moving through. Want to read more Dispatches? You can find the full series here: https://coachwithnicholas.substack.com/t/dispatches
“Having Nick on the team is such a blessing in a time of anxiety.”
That line’s from one of my performance reviews at Google.
It wasn’t the only praise I got that cycle. Not even close.
“Led org-wide adoption of Asana.”
“Created a single intake process across six portfolio teams.”
“Hosted over 60 guided meditations, his contribution to gPause has been stellar, to say the least.”
“Was instrumental in launching the first editorial roadmap.”
“He jumped right in and unpacked complexity during a chaotic time.”
“Nick makes himself available in whatever capacity would be most helpful.”
The list goes on.
I’d stepped into a newly scoped role post-reorg, with no real precedent.
The team was collapsing 80+ workstreams down to a dozen core programs.
Leadership kept shifting. Strategy changed monthly. The scope was fluid.
My job was to stabilize things that weren’t stable.
And for a while, I did.
I also took on a lot that didn’t show up in metrics.
Facilitated dozens of guided meditations and program management for the gPause community
Helped teammates make sense of shifting priorities across the portfolio
Built documentation, trainings, and tooling for new workflows like Asana
Fielded emotional spillover from peers navigating uncertainty and reorgs
Tried to keep morale up while the foundation kept shifting underneath us
“Nick showed up with empathy, warmth, and calm during a time of major transition.”
“He helped people feel less overwhelmed.”
“He created clarity where there was ambiguity.”
But behind the scenes?
I was unraveling.
I struggled with the lack of clarity and changing expectations.
I got vague feedback but little concrete support.
I was told to “increase autonomy” and “drive toward impact,” but the targets moved constantly.
“There wasn’t enough evidence of autonomy.”
“The proposal was not at the level of expectation.”
“He sometimes struggled to turn insight into execution.”
“He can be so focused on solving the problem that he skips the scoping.”
All of that is fair. I wasn’t perfect.
I was overextended. Spread thin. Trying to hold too much for too many.
And I didn’t always deliver the level of polish or clarity the role demanded.
But here’s what’s also true:
The role wasn’t fully resourced.
The team wasn’t structurally sound.
And eventually, the whole thing was dismantled.
Eventually, I broke down.
Not in some quiet burnout people whisper about in exit interviews.
I had a full-blown mental health crisis.
Massive anxiety attacks. Sleepless nights. Suicidal ideation.
I couldn’t think clearly. Couldn’t eat. Couldn’t function.
I went on medical leave.
I came back to a poor performance review. My first in 13 years.
And not long after that, I was laid off.
The truth is, I was the canary in the coal mine.
The whole team got dismantled not long after.
But that’s not the full story.
Afterwards, people started reaching out.
Old teammates. Colleagues from adjacent groups.
They told me what they’d seen.
That they were gaslit, too.
That the dysfunction wasn’t in our heads.
That a few toxic leaders were playing their own internal power games
while the rest of us tried to make things work.
And maybe the thing that really sank me
was that the role I was asked to play...
creating clarity, surfacing the gaps, making the system more honest
ended up shining too much light on the wrong shadows.
In systems that run on performance and avoidance,
truth becomes a liability.
And people like me (like many of you) become inconvenient.
That’s why Quiet Rebellion matters.
Because without it, you’ll keep questioning your instincts.
You’ll keep over-functioning just to stay “valuable.”
You’ll keep contorting yourself to keep the peace while your body pays the price.
I wish I had asked myself sooner:
Who benefits from me being this calm, this helpful, this flexible?
What would break if I stopped absorbing the chaos?
Where am I being praised just enough to stay silent?
Stop mistaking praise for protection.
Stop confusing being useful with being safe.
No one is coming to save you.
Not your manager. Not your HRBP. Not your company.
If you don’t define your boundaries, someone else will.
If you don’t protect your capacity, the system will use it up.
If you don’t lead with your values, you’ll keep trying to earn clarity from people who aren’t clear themselves.
That’s what I didn’t fully see.
And that’s what I work with clients to change.
You don’t need to torch your career.
But you do need to tell the truth about what’s sustainable.
You need to take radical ownership of your time, energy, and attention.
And you need to build a relationship with yourself that’s stronger than your role, your reputation, or your resume.
That’s the real work.
That’s the Quiet Rebellion.
Reflection Prompt
Think back to the last time you were praised for being adaptable, calm, or helpful during chaos.
What was the cost of that praise?
What did you override in yourself to stay valuable?
What would it look like to stop performing and start protecting your capacity?
You don’t need to have the perfect answer.
You just need to start asking better questions.
If you want to go deeper
If this hits close to home, you don’t have to sit with it alone.
Start with the Quiet Rebellion Field Manuals, free tools to help you reclaim your time, energy, and attention.
And when you're ready to stop performing and start rebuilding…I'm here.
You can book a Clarity Call or explore what it might look like to work together.
If this Dispatch sparked something in you: pause, share it, and pass it along to someone else who might be running on empty.
Be rebellious!
In Solidarity ✊
Nicholas Whitaker, Human BE-ing and Conscious Leadership Coach
nicholaswhitaker.com
Co-founder @ Changing Work
Follow me on Substack, LinkedIn, and BlueSky